Toasters and Goldfishes
by Ev'ryBody'sGotALaughin'Place
Summary: Vampires just don't shoot werewolves in the head with goldfishes in toasters that have a few modifications... They just don't. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Based off a dream I had… Don't ask me where my subconscious mind comes up with these things, it just does. It's in a lot of different POV because there wasn't a lot of ExB in it… but a lot of Emmett, Jasper and Jacob…**

**Okay, so my dream wasn't exactly this descriptive, but the basic idea is the same. Jazz and Em are at a pet store when Jazz tells him it would be funny if they launched a goldfish at Jacob's head. They do that, and when Jake gets pissed, Emmett blames it on Jasper, saying it was his idea. **

_**Summary:**_

_**Vampires just don't launch goldfishes from toasters at werewolves. They just don't. **_

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**Jasper POV**

Emmett and I went to a pet store one day (don't ask me what we were doing there, I honestly don't know,) and we were looking at all of the different types fish when a very random idea pops into my head and I voice it before even thinking of who I was with at the time.

"You know what would be just hilarious?" I asked Emmett suddenly.

"Nope." He answered distantly, looking at a starfish, and tapping on the glass, causing the poor thing to fall off. "What?"

"If we launched a goldfish at Jacob's head." He looked up when I said 'launch,' his eyes were sparkling by the time I said 'goldfish,' and he was already running over to the goldfished by the time I said 'Jacob.'

I didn't think he'd actually do it! "Emmett!" I yelled as I ran after him. But he had already bought the goldfish, and was skipping –yes, skipping- over to me and showing him off.

"His name is Goldie," He told me. He sounded like a kid who just bought his very first pet. Scratch that, he sounded like Emmett.

"What are you going to do with him?" I asked, exasperated.

"I'm gonna launch him at Jacob's head," he explained as if it were the most normal thing in the world. "Duh."

"That's not normal, Emmett. Vampires just don't launch goldfishes at Werewolves' heads. They just don't." I shook my head at him.

"Well, this one does!"

I just stood there, shaking my head at him, for what felt like hours. He was patient most of the time, but, Emmett being Emmett, his patience slowly started to fade after a while. Patting my back and escorting me out of the store, goldfish in hand, he said: "Come on, Emo Dude." And we left, my mouth still hanging wide open. Note to self: Never say anything like around Emmett again.

**Emmett POV ****(Back at home)**

Jazzy and I are all sitting in the kitchen for a really long time, trying to think of what we are gonna shoot Goldie out of.

I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, when I see a toaster. It's a cool toaster. Esme bought it a long time ago because it was cool looking toaster. It really looked awesome.

Then it hits me: The Toaster!

I get up, and run over to get the toaster.

"What are you doing?" Emo Dude asks me.

"I found out what I'm shooting Goldie out of!" I yell, and pick up the toaster. "With a few modifications, and some added power, we could shoot Goldie from the toaster and have him hit Jacob right where we want him to!"

Jasper just stares at me, and I realize I just talked all science- y. "Oh," I say, and start modifying the toaster, but I must be making a big noise, because Bella and Edward come down.

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This is just the start of it, but what do people think? Two reviews and I'll put up the last bit!


	2. Goldie JZR

**LOL ok, seeing as how people actually enjoy it, I'll post the rest! **

_**Previously (Emmett POV):**_

_**Jasper just stares at me, and I realize I just talked all science- y. "Oh," I say, and start modifying the toaster, but I must be making a big noise, because Bella and Edward come down.**_

**Bella POV**

Edward and I were sitting in our room, voicing sweet nothings to each other, when there was a crash in the kitchen.

It took us all of two seconds to realize who caused it. "Emmett," we said simultaneously, looking at each other. And Edward didn't even have to use his mind-reading ability to realize that.

"Well, let's got see what that was all about," he said to me, standing up and holding out his hand.

"Fine," I pouted, but stood up and took his hand anyways. He escorted me to the kitchen, where we walked in on Emmett leaning over Esme's expensive toaster, using a screw driver on it, and Jasper with his head in his hands, shaking his head.

"What is going on here?" I asked Emmett.

"We're modifying this toaster so we can shoot Goldie out of it at Jacob's head," Emmett explained, not even bothering to look up, and shrugging.

We were confused. "Goldie?" Edward asked.

"Yes," Jasper replied icily, "Goldie. Emmett's new pet goldfish." We looked over at Emmett, who was nodding his head vigorously. He finished up screwing with the toaster, and walked over to a fish bowl by Jasper.

"See? Isn't he adorable?" he cooed. Jasper rolled his eyes, Edward sighed, and I just stood there.

"You don't really want to shoot poor Goldie from a toaster? Do you, Emmet?" I asked quickly; anything to save that poor goldfish's life.

"You're right, I don't," he said, straightening up. "And that's why I have decided to shoot Goldie JZR from it instead." He pulled a rubber goldfish from his pocket.

Edward and jasper burst into laughter at that. "Goldie JZR?" Edward managed to get in between his uncontrollable laughter.

"Yeah. Carlisle helped me come up with it."

That made them laugh harder. I couldn't help but giggle along with them.

Emmett glared at us. "Laugh if you must, but as soon as I am done launching it at Jacob," he pointed to us, "You're next."

He loaded the toaster up, making a big show of it, and went to the phone. "You know," he began. "If you guys help me, I won't shoot you."

We all shrugged, and went over to him.

"Okay, now to launch phase 2," he said to Jasper, acting like someone from the army.

"Okay, but what exactly is phase two?" Jasper whispered back.

Emmett began to think very hard; so hard, it looked like his head might have exploded.

Eventually, though, he came up with the plan.

"Oh! We call Jacob, and tell him to get over here quick!"

Jasper looked at him funny. "No Duh, Sherlock!"

Edward and I burst into laughter again.

"Maybe you-" –laugh- "Need to-" –laugh- "Come up with a-" –laugh- "more descriptive plan!" I laughed.

"Hmm. Maybe you're right." More thinking. "Oh! Edward calls him, saying Nessie's in trouble!"

"There's the smart Emmett!" Jasper crowed approvingly, slapping him on the back. "Wow. Who knew he was in there?"

More laughter from the three of us.

After we composed ourselves, Edward picked up the phone. Jacob answered on the first ring.

"Hello? What do you want?"

"Jacob, get over here quick, Nessie's in trouble and you're the only one who can do anything!"

Before Edward even finished, Jacob hung up; probably already on his way over. No one could help themselves; we all burst into laughter.

**You guys are probably wondering where 'Goldie JZR' came from whoever reviews, I send a PM telling them where I came up with it, as it is just hilarious! **


	3. He Did It!

So, the final chapter to Emmett's adventures with his toaster gun is finally here! Believe me, you will laugh. I sure did, and I have read it over and over again!

Chapter 3: "He Did It!"

BELLA

Renesmee had heard us, and came down to investigate. She wobbled down the stairs and over to me, and I scooped her up in my arms. She put her hand to my chest.

What is Uncle Emmett, Uncle Jasper, and Daddy doing, Mommy? she wanted to know.

"Uncle Emmett wants to play a game with Jakey," I whispered back. She smiled and nodded.

"Hey, Ness!" Emmett boomed, coming over to us. "Wanna play with Uncle Emmett's toaster gun?"

Renesmee smiled, and took it from him. If she wasn't half-vampire, I wouldn't have let her play with it, but she was. And besides, it would be funny to watch her shoot it on accident.

She found the launch button, and pulled it back. Apparently Emmett had loaded it already, because the rubber goldfish came flying out and whacked him in the back of the head. Everyone burst into a fit of laughter.

Jake began to pound on the door then. "Let me in! What's wrong with Ness?" Jasper, Emmett, and Edward began to laugh even harder.

"Okay, Jake! We're gonna need you to go stand by the tree across the yard!" Emmett called.

"Just hurry up!" Jake replied icily.

Edward nodded to Emmett after taking a peek into Jacob's mind. "Yeah, he listened."

"Ok, Ness, I'm gonna need this back," Emmett said, trying to pry the gun from Renesmee. It took him a while, but he was able to do it. He picked up the goldfish and loaded it into the toaster, and went over to the door to get ready to open it.

Alice was at my side before the door was even slightly open --Emmett was doing the task painfully slow…

"Oh, this is going to be good!" she giggled.

"Ok, now you're going to need to turn so that you're facing the tree," Emmett said to Jake. He complied.

Rose was at my other side when Em had the door just about halfway open, and was asking Alice what was happening. Esme and Carlisle were standing next to Alice in the same instant.

The boys all slinked through the partially-open door -Emmet in the middle, Jasper and Edward at his sides- on the porch. We all opened the door wider, and we were all watching the happenings from there.

"Hey, dog!" Emmett called, bringing the toaster up to eye level. "Hope ya like fish!" And he shot the toaster.

Now just picture this with me:

Jacob hears what Emmett said, so he turns around to ask what he means. He looks up just in time to see this rubber goldfish that Emmett had just shot at him from a toaster come slicing through the air at a very high speed.

Continue picturing with me:

The goldfish lands on his face. He falls on his butt from the impact and shock.

Now, this goldfish looks exactly like something out of a cartoon: There are grill marks and there is a faint sight of steam rising from it.

The fish had landed on his face in just the right position so that it was covering his eyes, so he can't see us all on the floor laughing our butts off. His mouth is in the shape of an "O", and he has yet to make a move.

Finally, he grimaces, and peels the goldfish off of his face slowly.

He growls, and gets back up on his feet. He sees us all laughing so hard that if we weren't vampires it'd probably hurt our sides.

"Okay, who did it??" He hisses.

Edward and Jasper stop laughing in time to point over to the still-laughing Emmett, and, in perfect synchronization, yell, "He did it!" And take off at a speed that it was blurry even to us.

Emmett is still laughing as Jake picks up the goldfish from where he dropped it, and throws it so hard that it hits Em the same way it hit him. Yes, I mean across the face, with him on his but from the impact.

This made everyone laugh even harder. "This calls for war!" Emmett yelled, as he stood up.

"Bring it!" Jake yelled back.

And that is what caused the second Vampire-Werewolf War.

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FINALLY! Right? Well, now this story is officially done. It will most likely be used as reference for my other stories. I hope everyone enjoyed, and, if I get enough reviews, I just may give a sequel for the Vampire-Werewolf War II. LOL! Please review, stroke my ego ;D


	4. AN2

Ugh, I'm a terrible person. I've rejected my stories for so long... and I'm soooooo sorry, guys. i feel horrible, 'cause you were all sooooo great to me and helped me so much... But I am only a young teenage girl, and I lose interest very very quickly and I hate to say it but I've kinda lost interest in fanfiction. I hate doing this to you guys, but when a writer can't write anymore... there's nothing left to save. Life's been so hard, what with my poor poor mother being ill with kidney failure and my stupid boyfriend and friends' drama.

The other night, I was looking through my old stories and I was reading the reviews my stories were given, and, looking back on it, I can't believe how much support you guys gave me, and then it got even better when I found out that my stories were part of some of the communities that had some of the best stories I had ever read and it made me so happy that my readers ranked me with them.

I may or may not post new chapters every once in a while, but I haven't given up writing completely. I absolutely adore writing stories with my own characters, and I'm going to be converting some of my stories -like You Found Me, which has already been converted- with my own characters and I'm thinking about posting them over on FictionPress, so watch out for me over there! I'm under the same name.

But besides that... thank you all so very much for the support and love you've all given me all this time, and I'm sooooo sorry to leave like this.

Please forgive me, guys.

Ev'rybody'sGotALaughin'Place

P.S. if you read this once, you don't have to read it on any other story of mine; they all say the same thing.


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